Sometimes I see things, sometimes I hear unusual things from voices that don’t have a body attached to them, sometimes I know things that I think I shouldn’t know. Sometimes I wonder why I would be the one trusted with a vision or a knowing for someone else? Like the dream I’ve had many days recently of seeing a tsunami flooding city streets…. what’s the purpose of me seeing this? It’s not like I can go to the place I think I saw and tell everyone and have them all attach floats to their belongings and themselves. Sometimes I know when someone has been arguing with their girlfriend and I think, why should I know this thing? It’s really none of my business, you know.
Now that I am moving into my later years in life, I actually still wonder why I see these things, but now I feel more humbled that I am lucky enough to see them as compared to my past, as a younger more confused person who saw these things as separating me from others in society and causing me strife.
I was thinking today that I am convinced I am only alive right now because of music. Music has helped me move my vibration to various levels and disintegrate heaviness out of my being. However laughter helps me do this vibrational shift also, but some music makes me laugh as well. Just today I turned the radio on & it was still on the old school hip hop station that I usually listen to on my way to work & there was a song on with really stupid lyrics that went something like “shake it like a salt shaker”… “twerk it like a pro”. I was laughing so hard while also saying out loud “this is the dumbest song ever!”… BUT I listened to almost the whole song and sang along to the salt shaker part, and found it was amazingly hard to rap “shake it like a salt shaker” fast without messing up. I like the Hip hop station I listen to because they don’t play as much of the newer, very negative and hateful hip hop/ rap music, especially in the morning… they play more the old school stuff, like MC Hammer & Queen Latifa. One morning there was a song on and the guys was all “you’re like a cookie and I want to eat you up”. I laughed so hard. I was thinking about this podcast I was listening to where the guy said he was doing the recording in his car & suddenly quit talking, then said there’s someone pulling up beside me with that f*ng rap music on”, and he scoffed & was like “ugh, I’m waiting for them to get past me”. I was thinking “closed minded old man turd”- haha. I don’t know, I just like a lot of it because it’s got some good beats and funny enough that some of it takes me directly to the higher realms where I hang out with my sacred soul connection. Yes, I hang out with my sacred soul connection in the higher realms… where else would I do that? Oh, you weren’t questioning that? you were wondering how the hell hip hop could get me to that higher realm? Life is funny, that’s my answer.
At one point I had this realization that whenever I’ve had a fight with someone else, whatever I would say about how they treated me, they could almost always say the same about me. Basically, no matter who “started it”, I had admittedly behaved nearly as badly in my response to them, and even when I tried to use I statements about why I reacted the way I did, I would realize that they also had similar reasons for their actions and reactions. Like “I felt threatened because I felt you were attacking me”, then they could easily say the same back to me… and each turn when I tried to justify my bad reactions back to the person “attacking” me (from my perspective), I would “stand up” for myself… and they would claim they were just standing up for themselves. I have to admit that a response challenging my justifications for my actions infuriates me every time, because it is filled with a truth that I cannot deny because I am a spiritual truth seeker.
I looked up ‘sponse’ online to see if there was a definition, because I was thinking the “re”-sponse to things is what makes all the difference in an outcome of any situation. I was surprised to find the main definition I found to ’sponse’ was “sponsor”. I couldn’t help but think “so then, what are we sponsoring with our reactions to things and people?” and “What part of us are we reacting from when someone confronts us or upsets us?” There is another “re” word, “re”-acting that we all use when referring to our interactions with other people. Are people re-acting the same play over and over with our re-sponses to each other? Does our re-acting story come from our butt, our gut or our hearts, where does it originate from?
We know from our “re”-search, the searching for answers, that our mind re-acts to our feelings and our feelings react from our thoughts in an infinite loop of “re”-actions. In my mind reactions are actions taken based on how we feel and what we think and then how we feel after that and then what we think after that. I noticed, for me anyway, that I can only change my reactions when I use my heart to come up with a different feeling to react to. A feeling that seems to originate from my heart is the only time I feel like I am reacting from real truth, everything else is just combative Ego bullshit. I find the difficult part is to stay in a higher state of consciousness so that I can always access the feelings in my heart and respond from them, instead of reacting from my ego’s desires to be right or win an argument. I have no ending solution to this thought pattern, but I wanted to write it down because I feel like this story is to “be continued”…
What does silence taste like? Is silence sweet like ice cream, is it sour like a bad orange? Is silence bland tasting like my favorite high fiber cereal? My friend once said to me “just because I am silent, doesn’t mean I don’t have something to say.” I questioned the wisdom of not saying something, when one has something to say and came up with the answer that sometimes perhaps a person has something that is in their heart, but that they can’t tell anyone. Or maybe a person has something in their mind that they want to say, but feel it is not worth the effort of engaging the subject matter with another person because it is too controversial, and they don’t honestly want to hear another person’s opinion about their thought. A secret is something a person feels they can’t tell, so my friend must have been telling me she has a secret. The funny thing about secrets is that once you know someone has one, your mind feels the need to know what it is. Why is it so impossible to let another person have a secret, and if silence has a flavor, what flavor would a secret have? I think secrets might taste like some sort of exotic dessert… the kind that comes on a giant plate, but has a tiny serving of it in the center and sweet looking chocolate or some other syrup carefully drizzled over it in a random pattern, with like a luscious looking but tasteless strawberry on it and a single mint leaf. The kind of dessert I am talking about tastes almost like air fluff, but with a hint of sweet almond and an after taste of like sweet whipped cream. Anyway, that’s what I think a secret would taste like if it had a taste… like a fancy dessert. I also think silence has an etherial taste quality… like this Hawaiian spring water I once bought from the health food store, that I imagine had like 1,000 monks praying over it before it was sent to my store for me to purchase. These are the questions that are in my mind and I think perhaps my friend ponders the same nonsensical questions that I currently do, but is maybe kind enough not to put them into other people’s minds by pondering them out loud. Hehe.
When I was young, I was always blinded by my cloud of tears and loneliness. I couldn’t see my way and divine light showed me a path to walk down. I begged and pleaded for love to be sent to me, but I didn’t see what God kept showing me. I was looking the wrong way when you came along, I could only see an idea of what freedom was. I asked God for help but it didn’t look the way I wanted it to, so I didn’t believe it was true. I kept asking and asking to not be in pain, grabbing on to others thinking they knew the answers, not looking at myself and why I stayed where I was. I got sick, I was hurt, I was sad… I found some love and it left me over and over again. I wanted acceptance, but I never accepted myself… I fell asleep in a numb slumber of mediocrity… making myself less than I am so that I might find the answer to love and happiness at last. I kept seeing your face in my mind and in my thoughts day after day, week after week, year after year, still denying what I was experiencing. Then one day I realized that I asked God for help and God sent me you.
Sometimes I get tired of talking shit about people . I’ve done shit talk for so long as a southerner that it just starts to happened automatically. Someone screws up and there’s an automatic urg…
Source: Sh!t Talker
When I met you I ran from you and landed in my own dark prison of doubt and feelings of unworthiness. I separated myself from everyone, in an attempt to be free from my own feelings. I was shocke…
Source: A poem about a someone else